


Choking on Your Atmosphere

by jenguin



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Pining, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-30
Updated: 2014-04-30
Packaged: 2018-01-21 09:08:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1545308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenguin/pseuds/jenguin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis can deal. He does it every day.  Promo for the tour and album every day and concerts most nights. Game face.  Cheery smile. Crack a joke.  Make people laugh.  Field the intrusive and awkward relationship questions that no one else wants to, or CAN, answer ….. Yeah, he’s fine, usually.  But not today.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Choking on Your Atmosphere

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first completed story of any kind, but I'm totally inspired by the love that is Harry and Louis and by the wonderful writers in this fandom. I honestly welcome any and all feedback as I think I'm too close to the story to really SEE it at the moment. Thanks so much for reading :)

Louis can deal. He does it every day. Promo for the tour and album every day and concerts most nights. Game face. Cheery smile. Crack a joke. Make people laugh. Field the intrusive and awkward relationship questions that no one else wants to, or CAN, answer … Yeah, he’s fine, usually. But not today. 

Today the questions seemed barbed, mocking and judgemental. The other boys had been flustered by the tenacity of the interviewer and it had been left to Louis to respond with shocked amazement that anyone would even THINK that a member of the world’s biggest boy band could be GAY?! Of COURSE we’re all happily heterosexually partnered or available! *wink*

So, in the middle of the day of radio and tv interviews with hot lights and even hotter scrutiny of his every word and movement, he’s over it. He can feel himself sinking into a dark and petulant mood that had been brewing for days when he looks over to Harry, because of course he does, and it doesn’t help. Harry’s smile, voice and love are usually all that Louis needs to refocus but Louis needs to keep his distance today in front of the many backstage cameras and outsiders. 

Louis’ not sure how long he’s been slumped in the chair in this Green Room, waiting, watching and BEING watched in turn, but he knows it’s been a while. Long enough that the other boys have grabbed something to eat and relaxing while waiting. Niall is showing Liam something that is, apparently, hilarious on his phone and Zayn is talking quietly to one of the crew while sipping on some water. Louis looks around half-heartedly for some water too but gives up quickly. He doesn’t feel like talking to them either. 

Harry is surrounded by people vying for his attention - offering him food and water, trying to tame his unruly mop of curls, fixing his microphone pack. Everyone is just orbiting around him and Louis thinks, rather unkindly, he just soaks it up, doesn’t he? Harry LOVES the attention despite the looks of exasperation he sometimes has on his face. Louis can’t stop the negative thoughts crowding his tired mind. Louis imagines he feels the air in the room heating up, making it harder to breathe. 

Harry looks over at Louis, catching his eye, and gives a tiny smile and eye roll that says, “What can ya do?” and “Hey, miss you.” Louis looks away without returning the smile. 

 

Lost in his own dark thoughts, Louis thinks how much EASIER it would be to be “Harry Styles”. The sweet, naive, happy Harry who rarely sulks or causes problems, other than good-natured fun. Harry’s idea of mischief, after all, is to trash a Green Room by tipping a few water bottles over! 

Louis, on the other hand, is VERY aware of what people think of HIM. He has a smart mouth, swears too much, a short fuse and rarely suffers fools. If you don’t do your job and something goes wrong, you can be sure you’ll get the sharp edge of the Tommo tongue. 

He’s also aware that his attempts to alleviate the boredom are definitely not always appreciated. He knows, though, that sometimes his pranks aren’t pranks at all, it’s payback and payback is sometimes a bitch. He’s possessive and protective of all of his boys, they’re his family really, and there better not be one fucker who makes them feel uncomfortable or sad. Really, it’s very unwise. 

He thinks, with a wry grimace, of the ridiculous female interviewer who had demanded kisses during a live interview and how, after returning to her seat from crowding Harry’s personal space, she could no longer find her notes and cheat sheet. Louis had felt Paul’s eyes boring into him as people frantically looked for the pages during an ad break but Louis plastered on a concerned gaze and even lifted a cushion or two. Sadly, the interview had to be cut short and the boys all laughed hysterically about how glad they were to be out of that awkward situation. Louis still has that sheet in his bag somewhere. Payback. 

It’d be nice sometimes, he thinks, glancing back at Harry, to attract so much love and positive attention constantly. He knows Harry gets tired, sapped of energy and, at the end of the day, needs nothing more than to be in Louis’ company and arms to bring back his brightest smile. That one that reaches his eyes, brings out his dimples and makes Louis’ heart do Olympic-level gymnastic routines. 

“Who do I have to kill to get some fucking WATER in here?” Louis finally explodes, chest heaving as he tries to gasp some air into himself. There’s a split-second where people freeze before an assistant rushes over with a cool bottle and then everything returns to normal. Except Louis can see Harry looking at him, can see him pushing people away and then ….. 

“Lou? You ok?” The tiniest brush of Harry’s fingertips on Louis’ arm making his hairs stand on end. 

“Yes, of COURSE I’m ok, I’m always ok. Just wanted some bloody water is all.” Louis KNEW his tone was bitchy and would make Harry worry even more but he didn’t fucking care. 

“Do you want to find somewhere to talk? We have about an hour …….?” but Harry’s voice trails off at the end as Louis fixes him with a glare that could turn lesser men to stone.

“NO I don’t want to bloody TALK! Just go back to your little throne over there and get a manicure or whatever the hell they want to give you now!” Louis stands up from his chair, brushes past Harry’s hand that was still on his arm and heads for the door. As he flings the door open, his eyes flick to a mirror to the side and he can see his boyfriend’s eyes staring after him - huge and hurt. 

Liam is at his side in an instant, with a warm hand on his shoulder, “Alright Lou?” 

Louis sighs and half-turns, not willing to look into Harry’s eyes, “Yeah I’ve got a headache or something, going to walk it off. Be back soon.” As he exits the room, he sees Niall throw his arm around Harry’s shoulders and give a squeeze. Great. 

Louis knows he is one heartbeat away from throwing a proper tantrum as he walks down the hallway muttering obscenities under his breath and kicking doors open. If he could just PUNCH something, he’s sure he’d feel much better but he’s in enough possession of his mind to know that punching wooden doors would be even stupider than storming down hallways.

Kicking open the next door, he finds himself in a small courtyard area outside the studios and stops to breathe in some cool air, finally. Louis flings himself down on a bench, head in hands, shaking slightly with the fury that has been building up inside him. He presses his hands over his mouth and lets out a strangled scream of frustration that brings tears to his eyes and makes his throat sore.

Why does it have to be so fucking HARD? And why is it that everyone else seems to cope with it so much easier than he does? When will it GET easier? Why isn’t Harry secretly plotting the deaths of journalists who ask rude, prying questions about their sex lives? Why didn’t anyone follow HIM out of the room to see if he was ok? 

The rational part of his brain KNOWS the answers to all of these questions. Everyone in the band has his own demons to deal with. Harry has different ways of coping with the pressure and no-one followed him out because that’s what he told them he wanted. But he’s just shutting that rational bitch right down at the moment and dwelling on his frustration, sadness and self-pity. 

Louis makes a conscious effort to breathe in cycles to calm himself down the same way that Harry used to when he’d get panic attacks. Louis would sometimes be there, one hand on his boy’s back, one on his chest, gently reassuring Harry that he was there, wouldn’t leave, loved him. Louis’ heart gives an uncomfortable twinge of longing for the simplicity of those times and for Harry. Harry. With the biggest smile, unguarded expressions and unabashed affection, back then. Now, even Harry’s “open book” is often closed so that the world can’t see, judge and penalise him for what he feels and who he loves. 

It’s all just pretty shit actually. And sometimes Louis isn’t sure he can hang in there. 

His miserable reverie is interrupted by the sound of the door opening and Louis looks up through his hands to see Paul, their tour manager who often refers to himself as their “babysitter”, standing there. Louis is relieved that it’s not Harry or one of the boys. He needs some time to pull himself together more and Paul is a good guy.

He nods at Paul who takes that as an invitation to sit on the bench beside him. “Not long till on-air, Tommo.”

“Yeah I know” and Louis thrusts his hands through his hair without thinking of Lou’s hard work from earlier making it look perfectly messy. Now it was just messy and she’d kill him - death by hairspray, he’s been there, it’s not pretty. 

“What’s up kid? You’re as pale as a ghost and Harry looks like he’s going to be sick.”

Louis is about to just brush it off as he always does, make a joke, put himself down in some way to divert attention. But he’s worn down and he’s had this battle with himself so many times he thinks maybe, just MAYBE, telling someone might help. So, going against every male chromosome he has, Louis spills.

“Paul, I’m going to sound like an idiot and selfish and self-obsessed ……….” Louis pauses and Paul just nods to show he’s listening.

“It’s just….. I feel like I have no place in the group, not really. I don’t have the vocal strength like some of the boys and I just feel like I’m a pain in everyone’s arse.” Louis takes a deep breath, exhales and continues with the most painful part of his confession.

“And there’s H …… like I get that he’s the one the all the media wants to focus on with questions about women and relationships but I get so SICK of fucking hearing about and trying to deflect the questions, if I can, or having to pick up the pieces for him later when it gets too much. I just want to scream SHUT UP, HE’S FUCKING MINE at them!”

Paul’s hand grips Louis’ shoulder as he continues talking. “Then we get to a Green Room or whatever and EVERYONE is buzzing around him like he’s the Queen Bee …… I can barely talk to him anymore, or even get a glance in between all of the fucking PEOPLE, Paul, all those PEOPLE and none of them are ME! I’m sitting there on the other side of the room, just metres away, but I might as well be watching him through a tv screen. I’m losing him Paul, I’m losing him to THIS ……. “ Louis chokes back a sob and …...there it was. There was the elephant in the room. The thing that Louis is more afraid of than anything else, that Harry would actually grow up and realise that the sun does NOT in fact shine out of Louis’ bum and that there are far more attractive, talented, fashionable and less pissy people in the world who would probably suit Harry so much better. 

Louis can feel tears prickling his eyes as he looks down at the ground, speaking in a small voice that Paul thinks is more reminiscent of his 18yr old self than the 22 year old man he’s become. “He loves the attention I guess ….. he’s always happiest when people are around. He used to be happiest when I was around…..” Louis’ voice trails off as he takes in a huge, wet breath to try to settle himself.

There’s a pause for a few seconds until Paul’s voice breaks through the swirl of thoughts in Louis’ head. “Lou, what did H do when he came into the Green Room today with all of you?”

Louis barely looks up as he mutters, “I don’t know?”

“Yes you do, what does Harry do EVERY time?”

“I.don’t.fucking.know!” Louis bites out, teeth clenched.

“You do know. Stop being a dick. I can leave you here to be miserable alone if you want, you know.”

“Fine, fine.” Louis sighs and presses his fingers to his temples as he thinks about Paul’s, frankly ridiculous, question. “So H came into the room, stopped to chat to a few people and then sat down!”

The silence made Louis look up at the unimpressed look on Paul’s face. “What!?” Silence.

“Fine! Harry went around to everyone in the Green Room and introduced himself, asked how they were and shook their hands. He had some pics taken with some people and signed some autographs. He asked the catering if there was vegetarian options for some of the staff and generally charmed everyone within eyesight, happy?!”

Paul couldn’t keep the smirk out of his voice as he said, “And you weren’t paying any attention at all, were you?” 

Paul continued, “What did you and the other boys do, Lou?”

“Liam and Niall were talking, Zayn was chilling, I was pissed off about the interview questions and didn’t want to talk to anyone. Makeup and hair did some touch-ups, someone ran through the cues for the next interview with us and the other boys grabbed something to eat.” Louis wasn’t sure where Paul was going with this but he could feel his mind clearing a little as he talked. 

“Do you think Harry was upset about the interview questions, Lou? Do you think his feelings were hurt by the mocking and accusations? But Harry copes, in public, by making other people feel good. He gives them his attention and his time and it distracts him from what’s going on in his mind. He does all of that because he watches YOU, Lou, and knew you were upset and wanted to give you space to calm down.”

“ It took him 20 minutes to do all of that and, by the time he made it to a seat, the hair, make-up and cues all had to be done at the same time. So it SEEMED like everyone was flocking around him like he’s the biggest star, but that’s not the case and you know it.”

“Every single one of you lads brings something to this group to make you what you are. And you’re all equally pains in my arse, Tomlinson, you are nothing special in that regard. When you cut yourself off from Harry, it destroys him ……”

Louis let out a gasp as Paul continued.

“....you should have seen his face, Lou, when you walked out. You cut him loose and he was alone. Niall was there, the other lads were there, but YOU left him alone.”

After the tsunami of words, the silence is deafening, except for Louis’ breathing which becomes increasingly more painful. Tears slip down Louis’ face and onto the paving as he realises that he’s let his own fears and insecurities rule his mind and, in doing so, did what he would normally kill someone for doing. He hurt Harry. HE did it. Not the unskilled and irritating interviewer. Him. Louis Tomlinson. The one who is supposed to love Harry above everyone else. The one who has repeatedly sworn during late night whispered conversations in bed to BE THERE for Harry and to protect him.

Paul gently slaps Louis’ knee and gets up to go. He pauses and says, “15 minutes.” before opening the doors and leaving. 

Louis breathes in deeply for a few minutes and balls his fists with determination. He has to fix this. Pushing open the doors back into the studio, he breaks out into a run back towards the Green Room. 

He pauses to take a breath at the door which was slightly ajar. Looking in, he could see Harry talking quietly to an assistant who is visibly flushing and happy to have Harry’s attention. She doesn’t notice that there is no smile in his eyes. Louis’ breath hitches for a moment, causing Zayn to look up from the comic he was reading.

“Hey Lou……” All the boys look at Louis with worried expressions, except Harry who looks down at his shoes, causing the assistant to back away. Paul’s standing against the opposite wall, regards him impassively and Louis raises his eyebrows at him in acknowledgement.

“Hey lads, sorry about before ….. killer headache, you know ….” Liam’s eyebrows raise, almost comically as he looks over towards Harry and Louis gives a slight nod of understanding.

Louis walks over to Harry, standing in front of him, and spoke softly. “H….. can we talk for a minute? We haven’t got long…..” 

Harry doesn’t move but Louis can see his hands twisting in his lap, knuckles white with tension. 

“Harry, please, I’m sorry, I want to explain…” 

At that, Harry looks up, eyes red-rimmed, lips pressed together in a tight line and he nods slightly. 

In a louder and cheerier voice that belies his anxiety, Louis says “You have to come look next door H, it’s sick! We’ll just be a few minutes lads!” At least the boys understand the coded message for a few minutes alone time. It’s not like they haven’t heard this before, nor the “We’re just going to duck to the loo.” Which makes them all grimace because they know what THAT code means. Now is probably not the time to be thinking those thoughts, however. 

Louis walks out with Harry right behind him and they enter a disused room right next door. Louis holds the door open for Harry and unconsciously runs his hand along Harry’s back as he enters. He feels Harry shudder at the touch. 

Harry sits on a lounge, bringing his knees up towards his body, crouching into himself in a pose that Louis recognises all too well as indicating his beloved’s insecurity and fear. Louis sits beside him, knee barely touching Harry’s and body facing the younger man.

“Harry, what I said to you before, I was such a dick and I’m so sorry ….. you have to know I don’t actually think that, it just slipped out.”

There was silence for a few moments before Harry shakily replied. “You said it, Lou, you must have meant it. I …. I … didn’t know you thought of me like that.”

“But that’s just it baby, I DON’T …. fuck …...I’ve screwed up H and I’ve hurt you and I promise to explain if you’ll listen, ok?”

Harry nodded slightly but continued looking at his interlocked hands as Louis continued. “Haz, I’m an idiot……… short version is that I thought you were CHOOSING to be around all the assistants and whatever because you liked their attention more than mine. I thought I was losing my Hazza to “HARRY STYLES” ….. I was angry and lonely and scared. Baby, I was scared to DEATH at the thought that you might be outgrowing me and want to move on to someone more exciting, more …..you……..”

During his admission, Louis had been looking down at the place where their knees touched and it wasn’t until the end that he glanced up and saw Harry’s big green eyes looking at him incredulously.

“What do you mean, someone more ‘me’??”

“Well you know, someone kind, even tempered, fashionable, quirky…..”

Louis jumped a little when he heard a snort coming from Harry. 

“You ARE a fucking idiot, Tomlinson.” Harry runs his hands through his mop of curls in frustration. “Lou, don’t you know? Don’t you know that you are everything to me? I love everything about you that we have in common and everything that we don’t. I love that your weird pieces fit into the weird holes in my soul and plug up the gaps so I don’t lose myself. You’re what I need to keep me tied to sanity when things get crazy and when people say hurtful things like that interviewer this morning. Louis, you’re my HOME, my warmth, my laughter and everything I love. If I had to spend the rest of my life with just one person, it would be you. Sometimes…..sometimes I miss you so much, even when you’re right in the same room…...”

Harry’s gaze fixes on Louis’, both boys brimming with tears at the intensity of emotion in that moment. Harry always did know exactly what to say to melt Louis. 

“Haz ……….” Louis mutters wetly and reaches out to put his smaller hands on top of Harry’s. Harry leaves his hands face down for a moment before turning them over and engulfing Louis’ hands in his own.

“Harry, I’m an idiot sometimes…… well …… a lot of the time to be fair …… and you definitely shouldn’t have to CONVINCE me that you love me. I know you do, the one brain cell that wasn’t tired and angry knew that. But …… dammit ……… I need to do better H. I need to do better BY YOU. I guess I just want you to know that about me, that I get so scared sometimes. So scared of losing you to other people.”

Louis pauses as he notices Harry’s furrowed brow and mouth about to open in argument. “No, no, I KNOW what you’re going to say and I DO trust you, of course I do. I guess I don’t trust myself to keep being enough for you. But…… I want you to know how angry I am at myself for hurting you because you are my princess …….”

Louis’ lips quirk up as he sees Harry’s face duck down in a blushing smile. He really is SUCH a fucking princess sometimes and Louis loves every part of him.

“ …… and I swear I’ll look after you better Harry. I’ll try not to be such a jealous idiot. Try to resist the urge to punch everyone who breathes your air or orbits around you.” Louis lets out a deep sigh and both boys finally look each other in the eyes with fondness, not fear or hurt.

Knowing they’ll be called any moment, Louis stands and pulls Harry up into a gentle hug, pressing his nose into his love’s warm shoulder and wrapping his arms around Harry’s waist. Harry presses his face into the side of Louis’ neck, kissing the boy’s warm skin and breathing deeply. As they pull back, Louis reaches up to run his thumb over Harry’s cheekbone, causing Harry to lean in for a soft, warm kiss. Louis smiles into the kiss, suddenly thinking how lucky he is to have THIS and Harry pulls back into his own space.

As they walk out of the room, Louis thinks that even though Harry is walking behind him right now, he can FEEL the younger boy’s presence, anchoring his fears and his heart, always giving him exactly what he needs to find his way back to himself and back to THEM, again. You can call him a sap, he doesn’t fucking care, all he knows is that Harry is his oxygen.

**Author's Note:**

> My twitter: jenguin19   
> My tumblr: gemmy719


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